I often find myself surfing Facebook instead of loading the dishwasher. I will google search something useless instead of switching the laundry. Some people think I am a disciplined runner but there are many many mornings I ignore the alarm and choose to sleep later than I realistically need to.
I don't like being told what to do. Sometimes I feel like there is this
adolescent trapped inside of me who wants to eat what she wants, do what she wants when she wants to, spend money on whatever she wants, and this makes life way more fun. I am constantly telling her to grow up but yet she is asking me to hang out all the time.
It reminds me of Paul's verses in Romans 7...these are the verses with the "I do's" and "I do not's" in regards to his struggle with sin. You have to read through it carefully word for word in order to digest what he is saying about his struggle with sin.
I know that nothing good lives in me, that is in my flesh; for I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do. Instead, I keep on doing the evil I do not want to do. And if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
(Romans 7:19-20)
I am not lazy. I work a 40 hour week job in the school year and I daresay I work pretty hard. I am involved in church and my children's school. I spend time with my family.
I am not trying to live up to some "perfect mom" standard either. I don't set unrealistic goals and beat myself up when I fail to attain them. I stay away from self help books and I am leery of some women's ministry events if they push "a works religion mindset." Like Paul I will never fully be able to carry it out and I will keep on doing evil because sin is living in me.
Paul goes on to say:
What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God, through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with my mind, I serve the law of God, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.
(Romans 7:24-25)
I know we are on the eve of the month of April. It is a hard month for me...at least it has been the last two years. It is the end of the school year but there are still many days of school with no breaks (except for Memorial Day but by that point we're almost done). We are not a huge sports family but we have at least two children in spring sports and one in spring theatre. There always seems to be extra events tied to Easter, graduations, and school. There are always big school projects due. There always seems to be extra stress that comes out of nowhere...the last two years it was tied to my work environment. Sometimes it is church or family or something else. I always think it will come to a screeching halt once May hits. However, May always seems to be a continuation of April.
I struggle with anxiety anyway. Sometimes things are magnified and exaggerated in my own mind. It can cause me to have extreme emotions. Or else I go to my default mode of surfing social media or sleeping. Honestly sometimes I wake up in the morning hit hard with fear because I am scared to face the day and what it entails. I can usually breathe a sigh of relief and sometimes even feel peace at the end of it. Sometimes I wake up the next morning and the whole cycle generates itself again.
I am not making an unrealistic goal of having myself put together the whole month of April with zero moments of overwhelm. I am not saying I am going to handle everything the way it should be handled. I know I will sometimes do what I don't want to do, but I will do it anyway. There has to be more than coasting through life with a busy schedule trying to keep from getting overwhelmed for the sake of not falling apart.
So I look to Romans 5 where Paul talks about what sufferings produce...
...but we also rejoice in our sufferings; because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.
I want to grow in character and be an adult. We use the term "adulting" more frequently now. As adults we have to do things that are unpleasant or boring or tiring or cause anxiety. Adults clean their houses. Adults balance their checkbooks. Adults watch what they eat. Adults take care of their bodies. Adults go to bed on time. Sometimes I admit I don't want to be an adult and I am more prone to be that irresponsible adolescent.
I want to come out of April with a strength of character and a hope that does not disappoint. Because I know my strength comes from God's love that He poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit.
And since this is my exercise blog...I will continue to record my workouts here and elaborate more on my running/triathlon goals
Today I biked 8.67 miles on Orange Mango (to the gym and back) which was a success in and of itself. I still have too much unnecessary anxiety about riding my bike. Once I start riding, I really do love it. At the gym I did about a half hour of weights and strength training.
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