It is ok to not be ok.

It is OK to not be OK.  That was one of the catch phrases from Pastor Borst's talk at Camp Calvin this summer.  It has forever stuck with me this fall.  I heard it at a time when I was doing quite well and basking in a summer sabbatical.  I had come off a wonderful and renewing trip to Prescott, Arizona and fun filled week here at home with family visiting.  The past few months have been hard and there are one too many moments when I am simply not OK.

I would say work is about seventy-five percent of my anxiety right now.  It has been an adjustment working with at risk children in a work environment that has its own set of challenges.  When we lived in Gary, Indiana for a year, I worked for a small business in the inner city.  I remember going into work each day thinking, "I wonder what crazy thing is going to happen today." It was always something.  When the police came in one of my last few weeks of work, it seemed normal.  There was always some kind of drama.

 It's not quite that extreme where I work now and my co-workers are more professional, but I feel like there are changes and new challenges thrown at us daily.

I believe I am where God wants me to be.  Most of the time I enjoy the work and really appreciate the children.  I work pretty well with my team and my confidence has increased.  I don't feel so much like "the new kid" anymore.  But the changes and the unknowns affect my anxiety.  For instance I will be working with new teachers soon.  I don't know who they are and I don't anything about them.  I feel like I understand my current teacher and am finally adjusted to working with her--and now I will be working with someone else.  And I don't know when.  It could on Monday.  It could be in January.

I am in a long term sub position.  When will my position end?  It could be next week.  It could be March.  It might become a regular position I can apply for.  It could be I have to be sent to another site.  I may not know until last minute.  The "planner" in me sometimes feels out of sorts.

I also have anxiety because I don't know what kind of day I am going to have.  I have three challenging children in my classroom.  I don't know if they are going to be at school on a given day (though I really just assume they will be).  I don't know what type of day they are going to have.  Their bad days affect the whole class. It can make what would be a normal orderly day into pure chaos. Sometimes I feel equipped to handle them and other days I feel pushed over the edge.

Even though I don't take it personally when a preschooler talks back to me or worse is aggressive to me--it still hurts.  It does strike at my emotions and I have to remain strong and deal with the behavior.  It hurts a little more when my co-workers act out in frustration and make false accusations.  I chalk it up as stress and misunderstandings.  Everyone handles their stress differently. 9 times out 10 our team is good about owning mistakes and apologizing.  It still hurts to get criticized.  Sometimes I don't know what to do with that hurt.  Even if I bypass it, it still seems like it is lingering somewhere.

Because I come home and work on my early childhood classes, I feel like I cannot fully escape it at home. My mind races about work or early childhood classes.  I dream about work.  If I wake up at 3 AM, it is usually the first thing that pops into my mind.  Thankfully I can fall back asleep most of the time.  My anxiety has decreased since early October, but it is still there.  It is probably too high.

I know the kids are doing fine, but I miss seeing them after school.  Sometimes I feel like they need me home during those hours even though Rob often checks in.  I would not go back to doing in home day care and I don't miss it at all. Neither do they.  Looking back over last year, I realized I was dealing with boredom.  There were hard days that were stress filled.  I hated going from 7:15 to 5 with little to no break.  That is more tiring than my days at my new job.  I was feeling withdrawn, lonely, and not very challenged.  I don't miss being at home while they are at school.  No one misses all the day care stuff around the house.

 I worry about my kids especially the oldest who is going through some friend drama right now.  The situation really stinks because it with someone she has been friends with for a long time.  This friend is going through a tough time and choosing to be nasty and condescending. Some of her actions are close to bullying.  I am sure the holidays are making it worse.  I know my daughter is gaining some valuable lessons and learning to stand up for herself, but I hate the fact she is being treated this way.

I had to stop going to Bible Study which was a very difficult decision.  I miss it and I know my spiritual life is suffering because of it.  It is hard to get out in the evenings when I am not home until 5:30.  I have little to no time to do the homework.  Because my anxiety is bad right now, my mind races during the video portion.  I get maybe 15-20 percent of it.  I get really jumpy and jittery.  The last time I was there I had to leave right away and I cried the whole way home.

My exercise routine has been up and down.  I got two GI bugs--one in mid September and one about two weeks later in October.  Thankfully I only missed one day of work in September.  I lost five pounds from stress.  I am not sure what I weigh right now.  I would not be surprised if I gained weight since then because I am eating more again.  I get stomach pains from stress off and on.  Rob and I had an argument on Tuesday night and I had a bad panic attack.  I feel like it took a couple days to get back to normal.

I had a mole removed off my left arm a few weeks ago.  It started with a doctor's appointment to my regular doctor in July.  I asked him to look at a questionable mole on my right arm.  He referred me to a dermatologist.  They looked at my whole body and determined the mole on my right arm was fine.  They did not like one on my left arm.  They removed the top layer.  Two weeks later they called and said it was not skin cancer but could turn into cancer and should get removed.  They removed more and said I could not do any kind of cardio workouts for five days or so.

I developed eczema on my lower right arm from the stitches and dealt with prickly inflamed skin for days.  It is still not clear.  I had to go in again to get the stitches removed and get a prescription for the eczema.  I have gotten moles removed before and it could all be done in one or two appointments with my family doctor.  Now all the referrals and extra appointments make it a big headache.  I have to go back in three months and I am not sure why.  I was supposed to have an annual physical in November but I rescheduled it to January.  With all these skin appointments plus I had a dentist and counseling appointment--it was becoming crazy trying to schedule everything.

Last week I was going to start exercising regularly again.  I ran on Monday alone and Tuesday with a friend.  Both runs were really good.  Despite tight muscles, my pace was the same as it always has been.  It felt good to get outside and exercise. I ran Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving with Kara.  She did amazing.  It was her first 5k.  We did not get a ton of training runs in, but she has the endurance and willpower.  It was fun to do it with her.

I need to be more consistent next week and the weeks that follow.  Training for something might motivate me but I was not going to do any big races until the spring.

I also need to take better care of myself.  I might need to do some of mental health exercises I did back when I was in a cognitive therapy class.  I will probably need to talk to my counselor again soon.  I need to continue to learn how to leave work at work.  I really don't want to up my dosage on my medication, but I will if I need to.

None of us were ever promised an easy life.  I should not expect everything to be smooth sailing and drama free.  We go through tough times and have seasons of struggle.  I know I will be OK even though I do not feel OK.