Frustrated

So I thought more about Blue Lake and my number one problem is that Rob is in Ukraine.  I could ask my friends to take the kids from Saturday evening until Sunday afternoon.  The problem is my friends are teachers at my kid's school and they work their tail ends off and they are amazing at what they do.  Asking them to take my kids especially the last week of school (when things are even more crazier and they are juggling the school musical & graduation) might not be the most sensitive thing.  I am leaning towards Tri at the Grove which is a smaller tri end of July.  It looks like it might be a good fit.

So if I do the Grove I would not be in training yet, but more like pre-training.  I still need to step up with the bike and swim.  The big advantage would be I would have more opportunity to get some good open waters in and maybe some weekend rides.

This week so far I ran 5 miles Monday afternoon.  Monday was a hard day.  Derek was sick.  It was Presidents Day so everyone was off school and I had no day care kids.  The weather was amazingly beautiful.  But because Derek was sick, we couldn't really go on any big outing or anything.  I took the three girls to Riverfront Park.  It was nice to be outside and they seemed to have a good time, but I am really worn out by all the competitive behavior and "one-upping" one another all day long.  Kara regressed all day and acted like a toddler.  It was pretty stressful. I don't feel rested after a day off--I feel more drained.  I was so glad I got a good run it because I needed that time out of the house alone.

Tuesday was a bit better.  I did make it to Power and pushed myself pretty hard.  I am used to the new weights.   The only issue I had was my shoulder moved and almost popped out completely when I lifted the bar off my back after the legs track.  I can lift all the weight no problem--I don't feel strained during the workout.  I just can't get the bar off my back very well.  It was a little scary.

Today I swam 1300 yards--a total of 26 laps.  I can usually get more in, but they were halfway through the warm up by the time I got in the pool.  I felt a bit slower today.  Derek apparently threw up in the night.  I slept so hard, I didn't even wake up.  I heard nothing.  Rob cleaned everything up and even did a load of laundry.  It is eerie I didn't even wake up.  He should be better tomorrow.  Rob & I already had it.  We think Hailey had it mildly.  Derek seemed to get hit the hardest.  Sarah or Kara haven't had it and I am hoping if they do get it--it's before the weekend.  Not sure when we'd know we're in the clear.  Derek got it almost a week after we did.

So now it is a week later.  The end of last week was a bit of a bust.  I normally take Thursdays off so did not do any form of exercise.  Friday morning I planned on Ride but I was incredibly tired.  It had been such a hard week, I had no energy.  I had thoughts of maybe going to the gym before the women's retreat, but that was next to impossible.  I thought about exercising at the retreat but there was no bike and I was unsure of running all the hills and country roads.  Plus I had little motivation.  I went on a short hike around the lake and that was about it.  The retreat was great bonding time and restful in many ways.  In other ways it was tiring and I came home feeling behind.

So on Monday I ran with Tracy.  I did about four miles.  I would have liked to go a little farther, but it did not work out that way.  On Monday night I was up late writing articles so I skipped Power and kept it as a day off.  On Wednesday I swam 1550 yards which is almost one mile.  It was a really good swim--I felt fast. On Thursday I went to the 5:30 PM Group Ride.  I did not like the instructor--he seemed to not know what he was doing and he did not announce anything like when to shift.  He just singing song lyrics.  On Friday I could not really work out in the morning because Sarah was leaving early and then I went right to school to help with the auction after work.  Had I known they did not need any help, I would have gone to the gym.  But oh well--not a huge deal.

Yesterday (Saturday) was hard.  I felt emotionally off at Derek's game.  I really wanted to enjoy his last game, but we got seats where we could not see much.  I honestly felt tired and drained from the last two months.  We got back at 12:30 and I spent the whole time right until 5:30 cleaning, laundry, and working on child care stuff.  Derek and Kara both had major meltdowns over cleaning--it was exhausting.  It took them over two hours to do half hour jobs.  The weather was nice, but I really didn't get to do anything outside with them.  We had a small group game night last night and I really didn't want to go.  I felt too tired and emotionally drained.  I thought by the time I got there, I would feel better.  Not the case.  Kara had another major meltdown that reminded me of her two year tantrums.  It lasted so long and was incredibly embarrassing.  I had to put her in the youth group room with the lights off and told her to stay there.  It was the only thing that calmed her down.  Derek had some behavior problems in the beginning.  I just wanted to go home.  I was not into it and discouraged.

Now it's Sunday and I am not exercising today.  I am going to start up tomorrow.  I am little jealous of my friend who rode 25 miles yesterday and is running 9 this morning.  My motivation is so low right now and I have a triathlon coming up in a month. I am just so tired and emotionally drained.

It's going to get better.  I know the kids will come around and settle emotionally again.  As will I.  I just am not looking forward to going to church and deciphering between who to share with the fact I am doing well and who to give a shortened "I am doing fine."  It's not that easy to be real and there is a cost to being transparent.  I miss marathon training one year ago.  I miss those early morning runs.  I hate the fact I am not motivated to get up and run 4 miles.