Body Image

I never struggled with body image in junior high or high school. I was the annoying girl who was eating Hostess cupcakes and drinking Mountain Dew while not gaining a single pound.

I took a cognitive therapy class at a counseling center in the winter of 1998 because I was struggling with some intense anxiety and depression. This was related to some transitions from the fall such as transferring colleges, breaking up with my boyfriend, and a family crisis. Anyway the other college girls in the therapy class constantly shared that their anxiety and depression was related to body image. One girl was terrified to sit in a hot tub with her friends and wear a bathing suit. Again, I could not relate. I knew I had put on a few pounds since high school. I was not self conscious about the way I looked.


Some people thought I took up running post college for the physical aspect. That was a bonus. I actually started running for the mental benefits. My first two years as a youth director were easier as a whole. I still felt the need to either get counseling or go on antidepressants. My third year was my toughest due to many different situations. This is when I took up running and I did not even consider antidepressants. I do not think that is a coincidence. Whenever I got lazy with my running routine, feelings of anxiety would often return. I believe some of the reason why my pregnancy with Derek and the postpartum period was much more difficult was because I was not exercising.


I started to feel really self conscious about my body when I was pregnant with Kara. Before I even announced I was pregnant someone said she mentioned to someone else that I looked like I had gained weight and looked a little pregnant. I remember coming to church when I was starting to show and someone said, "Yeah I heard you were a lot bigger than when you were pregnant with Derek." I know this is going to happen anywhere in any type of setting. The idea of people talking about my body made me feel self conscious. It was more refreshing going to MOPS where you are greeted with, "You look cute in that maternity outfit," or "How is your pregnany going?" versus, "You look huge." I really try to be sensitive around other pregnant women because not all (and I am sure the vast majority) do not like being told they are huge.

I don't know how much I weigh right now. All I know is I am bigger than after I had Hailey or Derek. I know that I cannot fit comfortly into my size eight jeans. I know that I do not like the way I look. I am not obese. I may not even qualify for "overweight." My OB was not all concerned about my weight at my six week appointment. I do not like looking at pictures of myself right now. I do not like trying on clothes. I do not have the greatest eating habits. I do eat a fair amount of junk and it is catching up to me.

So it is time for a change. I am going to try Weight Watchers. Never done it before, but many people told me it's not a diet. They teach you how to eat. People say, "Well you don't need WW to learn that." My response is "I do!" I never learned good eating habits because I never had to. My metabolism was always so good that I could eat whatever I wanted whenever I was hungry. Now I'm in my 30's and I have had three kids...yeah it's not going to work that way anymore.

So tonight when I go the gym, I am going to weigh myself. We don't own a scale and haven't owned one in 7-8 years. It's not because I don't want to weigh myself. It's because my weight has never been a concern. For many years it was always the same. After Hailey was born it went back to the same. After Derek was born, it was probably about 4-5 pounds more. Now it's up there. And I am a little afraid to find out what it is. If I don't know, I can't move forward. So here we go! Let's shed some pounds for the summer!